Remembrance and teacups

The first thing that greeted me when I walked into Mom's house around 11 a.m. on Saturday was a photo of Doris on the kitchen table, propped against a vase. Nearby was an envelop with old photos plus the program from Rose's memorial service several years ago. Mom was in the living room, having nodded off while reading. My cousin Maggie Robbins arrived about the same time I did (with tomatoes), so we visited as Mom shared her memories of Doris. A few years ago (2006?) I took Mom to visit Doris, who lived in an upscale retirement center in Rancho Bernardo, outside of San Diego. I'm glad we had the chance to see her, even though Doris clearly was in the early stages of dementia then.

Doris was always independent and self-sufficient -- the classic "career girl." She worked in purchasing at GM from her late teens until her mid-50s. I remember her as always having a convertible, great clothes, and a beautiful singing voice. She played tennis competitively until her late 70s. Doris retired from GM when she married Ben Steinberg. They were married for just a few years, but she retained his surname after their divorce.

She found the weather in southern California to her liking, and moved to the San Diego region where she could play tennis all year and established a social network there. Still, Mom could never grasp why she would choose to live in California rather than return to Michigan to be near her sisters. To the end, though, Doris took care of herself. Her body has been cremated and her ashes to be scattered at sea. It's good that Mom's brother Art is planning to visit on Monday, and the two of them can talk about how they want to memorialize Doris.

While Maggie was still there, I shared some photos from Robert and Rebekah's wedding, which was last Saturday in Seattle. There was one photo of my daughter Margaret, Rebekah, Robert, and Byron's son Justin that Mom liked a lot, so we put it in a picture frame that previously held a photo of Robert and Justin. Maggie left, and we made BLTs for lunch.

When I visited Mom two weeks ago, we discussed some of the obstacles to her moving into assisted living. One of those obstacles was what to do with all her teacups. She wanted certain people to have some of them, so I suggested that we take care of it the next time I came down. After our lunch, I placed all of the teacups on the table, hauled out some priority mail boxes and bubble wrap, and we got to work. It turned out that there weren't that many she had identified for specific people, but of the ones she did, we put together boxes for Lori Tuma, Rebekah, and Laurel, and put cups aside for Andrea East and Colleen. There's a lot left, so if you'd like a Ruth teacup, let me know and I'll ship one off to you next time I'm there.

We also continued the conversation about her moving into assisted living. Even though she's getting help from Byron and Colleen and people such as her friend Sally, who's been chauffeuring her around, and is lining up some women to clean, she knows staying in her house isn't healthy or sustainable. But she worries about how she'll deal with all her stuff, selling the house, and paying for assisted living. I suggested if she wants, we could have a living estate sale. Otherwise I'm sure between my brothers, Colleen, and me, we can take care of things. What's critical is to identify some places and get her on a wait list, with the goal of having her moved before winter hits. I also suggested that we limit places to consider to ones that offer a continuum of care. It's going to be an interesting fall.